His sacrifice

Eight more nights....

that's how many more nights I get to sleep next to my husband for the next year.

In one week he will be leaving for a year long remote assignment with the military.

We've known about it for a few months now, but the closer I get the more my awareness increases.

My awareness of him.

Over the last few days I have found myself lingering longer in his embrace, staring deeper into his eyes, and laughing easier at his not always funny jokes.  I've tried to capture every moment he plays with one of the children deeper into my memory.  I breathe him in with every chance I get.

It's only a year, one year.  We have been together 19 years....it's just one.

Yet it's one entire year...one entire year he has chosen to sacrifice....
                 to give up
        ....for us, his family,
              and for his country.

Sure it may sound cliche, but the magnitude and the depth of his sacrifice is real.  And I'm afraid we will take it for granted.

This weekend....I also don't want to forget the countless service men and women that have given the ultimate sacrifice for our country....the sacrifice of their lives.

This Memorial day weekend in particular I cannot help but imagine the families that were counting down their days before having to say good-bye.  Like we are this week...fitting in last minute memories, packing, preparing.
Then when that final moment came, I imagine that they held on as tight as they could to that last embrace before letting them go.  They watched their loved ones walk away with hope for the joy of the return embrace....
                     yet eventually they were only left with empty arms and broken hearts.

We remember and we honor all of those brave men and women that gave their lives for us. We want to thank them for their sacrifice.
And we pray for their families.

 I am praying that we will continue to cherish each moment deeper, linger longer in every embrace, stare deeper into each others eyes, and laugh a little easier...
                                      
                                                        long after he returns home to us. 

We will not walk in fear, but with hope and joy, and a promise of God's faithful care.

Anyone watching?

I remember as a child cooking in the kitchen for my "audience".  I would explain to the viewers which ingredients to use and how to put together the most delicious chocolate chip cookie cake (since that was the only thing I knew how to make, well besides PB&J).  In my 11 year old mind, I was a famous star of a popular cooking show.  And to me we had the perfect setting in our little kitchen for a cooking show, complete with a little window that faced the living room, where I would display my finished product.

This memory came flooding back to me this morning.  I was smack dab in the middle of busy morning routine, and this memory of my "cooking show" came to my mind.

There I was packing one more lunch and the thought came to me....."I wish I was on TV right now", and my "cooking show" memory came back to me.  Nowadays we not only have cooking shows, but reality shows and even YouTube shows. What if I were on one of those right now? One where everyone would get to see what I do every day.   You may be asking why I would want to be on TV?  Well I really don't.....honestly!
But this memory and thought started an avalanche of self-pity, suffocating thoughts bombarding my heart.....

"nobody sees you"  "of course you want to be on TV...nobody really knows what you do"
              "it doesn't really matter what you do every day anyway...because it's really nothing"
                             "what exactly DO you do every day....where is your PROOF?  your RESULTS?"
         "this is your life....and your just stuck....and it doesn't matter... nobody really understands"

I still had so much to do to get the kids ready...I couldn't stop.

So I moved along and tried to pray, at least talk to God.  I needed to try to make sense of these feelings, this pain.

Many times I don't have time to be quiet and reflect.  So I'm learning to pray in my business...to just keep a continual flow of conversations with our Lord throughout my day.

I turned over these hurt-filled...devastating thoughts to my GOD...I talked to Him about it.

Why Father God am I feeling this way?  Why do I feel that nobody sees me, or that the work I do every day is unnoticed and not productive?
When I was working as I nurse, I could see the results of my work with my patients.... I could see the results in my pay check.
When I was woking with the youth at church, I could see the results of my work with the youth, feel their hugs, hear praise from their parents.

Now it's the same thing every single day... and when Steve asks at the end of the day, "What did you do today?"   All I say...is the "same ole same ole"....cleaning, dishes, gym, groceries, homework, cooking

I've been walking in the desert of loneliness for a while now.

It is Lent....and instead of "giving up" some food item..... I've been "giving up" trying to be somewhere and someone I'm not.  I'm learning to embrace this "desert" I've been in for so long now. This Lenten season, I'm realizing in ways I've never learned before that my Lord Jesus has been with me every step I've taken along this desert path.  This is the place in my life when I'm so dry, so hungry...that the ONLY one who can fill my need is Jesus.  And WOW....what a beautiful place to be...ONLY JESUS.

And THIS....this is the revelation that washed away the hurtful thoughts bombarding my heart this morning......

                                                                     "God sees me"
  
He is with me every step of every single day....and He knows what I do, the good and the bad.  He knows my struggles, and my accomplishments (no matter how small).

I felt convicted over the times I spent too much time on social media, longing for approval, for "likes"....searching for recognition from others.
This is why the "TV show" idea came back to me....I have a human need...a longing for approval...for other's to understand my struggles.  We all have that need.  Yet GOD can fill that need 100 times more than any person here on Earth.  If we allow Him to fill us with His grace and become more aware of His presence in our life....HE can give us that LOVE and approval we are constantly searching for.

I am realizing that all of the times I spend in self-pity...or fighting with the thought that "nobody understands"....I'm wasting...wasting time, wasting energy, wasting opportunity.
If I would allow our God to fill my heart, to accept HIS approval only...then I would be FREE....and available to serve others, my heart would be filled, my focus no longer on my emptiness....but on others..... so that I can see their pain...and help them in any way the Holy Spirit directs me.

I prayed for humility, I prayed for grace to help me find peace and contentment.  I am still praying that my heart will be filled with HIM alone.

Jesus has been the ONE walking with me in the desert...and HE is the one who will lead me to the green pastures.  And HE is the one who really sees me.

Peace came over my heart.... no one else in this world may ever know what happens in my daily life, but GOD knows every single detail.

I pray that today everyone who reads this will find comfort in this truth....
                                                 
                                                YOUR FATHER IN HEAVEN SEES YOU

Whatever you are going through today....He sees you..and He is walking it with you.
If you are in the mundane routine of life,
if you are in the struggle of a hurting marriage,
if you are in the pain of caring for a sick loved one, or with illness yourself,
if you are in anxiousness of a pending decision,
if you are in the stress of life......
God sees your pain, your struggle, your anxiety......and He also sees your accomplishments, your achievements, and your joy!

Dear Heavenly Father I pray as we continue throughout Lent help us to be filled with Your love. Please give us the grace to be satisfied, having our hearts filled up with LOVE and acceptance from You, our Father...that we don't feel the need to find that LOVE and acceptance from others.  That we will be filled to the brim with Your love and grace that we are willing to share and give that love away throughout our lives.  Send Your Holy Spirit to guide us in ways throughout the day to help share your love to everyone we encounter.  Amen

To dust you shall return

It was Ash Wednesday a couple of days ago. Our family attended Mass to begin our Lenten journey and to receive ashes. Each of us walked up (or rolled up) to the alter to receive ashes placed on our foreheads in the sign of a cross.  After receiving ashes there was quite a bit of a commotion along our pew. The kids began comparing the sizes of their crosses, some immediately began wiping them off. Others were fussing because ashes had fallen into their eyes.  Once I finally got our shangiangains under control. I was able to reflect.

The priest said "reminder you are dust and to dust you shall return".  As I bowed my head to pray and reflect on this phrase some of my ashes fell from my forehead onto my hands. I just sat their looking at the ashes, the black dust scattered in my hand.  Suddenly my heart and my eyes welled with sadness. A memory came flooding back to me. A memory from just 6 months ago. I remembered the very moment the funeral director handed me the urn that held the ashes of my beloved grandmother, Audrey. These same hands of mine that now held the ashes of Ash Wednesday once held her ashes!
The pain of that day came flooding back to my heart. I had to go to the funeral home to pick up my grandma's remains when they were ready.  We were going to hold her funeral a few days later in a different state, her home. I didn't realize the gravity of this task until it actually came to pass.  After carefully carrying the urn holding my grandma's ashes out of the funeral home, I placed my grandmas urn in the front seat of my van.  Then I just sat in the parking lot...... frozen.
I couldn't stop staring at that box. The box that my brother so lovingly crafted out of wood himself.  Yet inside that beautiful box, held the body of a woman I admired so very much.  I was lost.
       I honestly had no idea what to do. I kept thinking of us (my grandma's ashes and I) just sitting here in the parking lot. It didn't seem like enough for her. I wanted more time with her.

        You may think I'm crazy after reading this.....but I took Grandma to the beach!  Yep.....I didn't want to go home yet.  The thought of just putting her on a shelf somewhere until her funeral had me overwhelmed. I wanted more time.
So I sat on the beachfront holding the beautiful box that contained the most beautiful woman I know....knew.
It was an absolutely gorgeous day, the sun shining, the breeze blowing, keeping it a perfect temperature....a day she would have LOVED! I was sitting there looking at the vastness and serenity of the Gulf of Mexico, trying to take in every moment.  Prior to this one I had spent countless moments with my Grandma.  She lived with me most of my childhood, we even shared a room for part of it.  So we spent so many wonderful moments together.....but sitting there holding her ashes, I realized in a very painful way......those moments were gone.  They were just memories now.

Back to Ash Wednesday.....as I sat in church staring at the ashes in my hands...the ashes that fell from my cross..... the words of the priest resonated in a very loud way  -
   
                     REMEMBER YOU ARE DUST AND TO DUST YOU SHALL RETURN

I may not get to spend any more time with my grandma in this life, this Earthly life.
But one day, my body will be but mere dust as well.  But because of the LOVE and sacrifice of our Savior Jesus Christ....our souls will be reunited, we will be together again.
As I continued to stare at those ashes....the sadness that washed over me thinking of my Grandma's ashes was then washed away with the HOPE and JOY that comes with the promise of our Lord.

           After the pain of the cross washes away
                                      the JOY of the resurrection is ALIVE and remains forever!!

 Remember you are dust....and to dust you shall return.  Are you ready? Are you ready if today is the day you return to ash?  Cherish the moments you are spending with those around you.  And if you want to know more about the HOPE and promise of our Savior Jesus Christ....I would love to share it with you.

Dear Lord, help us during this LENTEN season to remember that we are dust, that this life is so short, but that time with YOU is forever.  Help us to love like YOU and to cherish those that you have put in our lives each and every moment.  

Amen.

Shattered pieces

Well I already failed.

Yep...I set this new blog up with full intentions to use it as a spiritual tool, an aide to help me during one of my darkest times.  And I failed.

It's been what....3 or 4 months since I started this?

To be honest, it's been so hard....that I'm afraid to write.

I've been afraid to put words to the struggle.  Then I would have to face it, to really deal with it.  If I lay out the pain, and the broken pieces of my life, then I have to see just how shattered I am right now.  Let's be real.... it's so much easier to just keep pushing, just keep ignoring, just keep shoving the dark stuff way down deep.  That way you can just move on....just get back to the good....to the happy.

NO more.  It's time to start.  I need to be stronger.  I need to be more grounded, more peaceful.
Really....I'm just weak and afraid.  But right now I'm MORE afraid of who I will become if I don't take a closer look at my broken pieces.

One of the boys had a blue ceramic lizard that his grandparents had given him.  We kept the lizard on top of their bathroom counter as a decoration.  Well to a curious, playful boy any lizard (real or ceramic) can't just be decoration, it must go on adventures.  The blue lizard did have quite a few adventures, until his tail broke. No fear...super glue came to our rescue. We fixed the blue lizard's tail up in a flash (well a few hours).  Back to the bathroom counter our little blue friend returned.  However several more adventures later in the hands of one frolicsome little boy, we found another piece falling off of the lizard.  This time it took a little more glue to fix our fragile reptile.  Several weeks went by and the glued-together lizard started collecting dust on top of the counter.  Sure he would get the occasional spray of toothpaste, but he kept his vigil next to the hand soap.
Thinking back I cannot recall the exact details of the fateful day.  But the day came when the blue lizard faced tragedy.  It was a moment filled with a crash and several broken blue ceramic pieces scattered all over the floor.  Little hands tried as hard as they could to help pick up all of the pieces.  We gathered what was left of our lizard friend's body carefully onto a plate.  Big brown eyes looked at me with hope and promise....if we fixed him the first two times, surely we can fix him again.
One super glue bottle and several sticky fingers later, the situation looked grim.  I had to relay the bad news, it didn't look like we could fix the lizard this time.  However the news didn't rob by son of his hope.  That lizard's best friend was willing to wait for him.  Days....then weeks went by.  Yet the broken lizard stayed broken, sitting in the middle of his shattered pieces.  Just sitting on the kitchen counter reminding me every single time I passed him that I hadn't tried again.

This is how I feel right now.  Broken, in the middle of my shattered pieces.

In times past, with God's grace, I have successfully glued myself back together.  You know what I mean, don't you?
That there are times in our lives that we get hit, or we fall.  And then a piece of ourselves gets broken.
Sometimes it's just a little piece, sometimes it's a little bigger.  Those times have come in my life, yet it always seems to get fixed, so I can move on.

But this time it's been different.
I have felt shattered....not just broken.

And for the last few months...I've been sitting in the middle of my pieces, feeling overwhelmed, feeling tired, and not knowing where to begin.

This may come as a shock to many of you that know me.  You may be thinking "but she seems to have it all together".   I've been realizing that I've just been gluing the pieces back together quickly so it looks good on the outside.  Through the last several years I've been doing "quick fixes" to make it look good and put together, but in realty the inside is barely hanging on, and so fragile.   And maybe that's the problem maybe now I'm realizing that that fragile inside, is what has finally given up.

So what's changed?  Nothing really.
I am just now slowly learning that I can't fix it this time.  And that there is no body else in this world that can fix it either.  I have to stop expecting other people in my life to pick up my shattered pieces.
I'm also accepting that my broken life cannot be put back together quickly.

There is only ONE way to be fixed.

God is so good.  HE is always good and faithful.
And right now I'm learning to allow HIM to fix me....in His time, in His way.  I'm learning to BE in my brokenness... to understand that each shattered piece is still a part of me....
that I don't have to be "put together" to be whole.
Despite our brokenness Our Father sees our perfection....and it's because of our brokenness that HE can make us perfect.

Today my prayer is that you will allow our Lord, our Healer to mend your brokenness....that you take some time to see and to feel your shattered pieces of your past, your life....then lay them before the cross. Offer your brokenness to our Savior.  Then allow Him to heal you, let Him LOVE you....every single shattered piece of you.  He is waiting with HOPE and expectation of the adventures you will have together.

Learning from Mother Mary - Let Your YES mean YES

 Since this is my very first post with my new blog....I'm kinda cheating.  I have been feeling led to start a new blog for several months now.  But for one reason or another I have been dragging my feet.  But no longer....finally I have my first post-  and yes technically it could be cheating.  You see I have an amazing opportunity to give a presentation tomorrow at our local Magnificat Breakfast.  So since I have spent weeks developing this presentation, I thought it could double as my first new blog post....see kinda, but not really cheating, right??

Here is my presentation ---  by the way, sorry about the typos.  It was meant for me to present, not publish...hehehe

Magnificat Talk

Good morning.  My name is Amiee Gautreaux. And I have been given this amazing opportunity to share with all of you today.  Thank you all for being here...Thank you Christine for believing in me and asking me to present this morning.  

I would like to start with a prayer.... 

First of all I believe everything God does...everything He plans...He plans for a reason.  And it wasn’t an accident that I was supposed to plan and give this talk at this particular time in my life.  I have shared and given various talks at different retreats and with various groups.  And every time I have to prepare something to say....God uses it to show ME something. AS I prepare and search for words to say to others....God uses my own thoughts and words to speak volumes to me before I even open my mouth before others.  And this time has been no different.  Preparing for this talk was a much needed spiritual excercise and reminder of the grace and mercy God is pouring into my life right now.  You’ll see as we go on through my presentation...just how much this day has helped me with my focus. 

I knew this day was coming for a while...so I started to pray, and gather thoughts

With the business of life...I would be reminded on occasion that I had this day coming.  I would occasionally toss ideas in my head...the Lord would expand upon them....and then it would pass....just like that....

A distraction would come along....and yes...i have several distractions....SeVERAL...  For those of you that do not know I have 6 children....yes....6! and one very amazing husband...and 2 dogs....and 2 cats....and lots of fish (I think last count we have 4 fish tanks?)   Let the sighs, and wows begin.  

Honestly.... there are days when people say “I don’t know how you do it”...and I look straight at them....with complete sincerity and say....”ME EITHER”....because honestly at that very moment I just don’t know HOW I’m doing it either. 

Okay.....back to my distractions....see, case in point.

Anyway I would come up with an idea, and then life (wether it be in the size of a 6 year old, or a 41 year old) would keep me from my thoughts.  I keep looking for stories to share or thoughts that I have about our Blessed Mother. I mean truly she has been one of the most influential role models in my life. I thought this would be easy since I have SOOO much to tell you about our Mother Mary.  But then every time I would sit down to write....I would get fumbled up.   I kept thinking..well gesh my life is just a mess right now...why should I be the one sharing with other people right now?  Why should I be the one standing in front of others offering anything??  You see....for the last 10 months I have been wondering around in a very dry spiritual desert. My heart has been so brunded lately that I have NOThiNG left to give... ..so why should I be the one presenting right now???

Then I stopped trying so hard and practiced what I’ve been learning to do over this last year....wait and go to my Father, my Heavenly Father, and cling to my mother...My beautiful blessed mother.  When you are a lost child, all you want are your mother and Father, right? I prayed and I waited....  And I closed my mouth!  and then i  waited some more.....

Then one theme, one phrase really, kept coming back to my mind, growing in my heart.... “Let your YES, mean YES”.   

So I hope that this morning...I can share with you how the Lord, our Heavenly Father, has been teaching me this lesson.  Truly I think He wanted me to say “YES” to Christine to give this presentation, just so He could teach me this very lesson!  Ha

Anyway..... “Let your Yes, mean Yes.  This idea first came to my mind when I was praying a rosary.  I Love the rosary..... well I do LOVE the rosary, honestly I don’t always love beginning the rosary.  You know what I mean... or maybe you don’t.... but I have to admit that sometimes when I feel called to pray the rosary, or I have an opportunity in front of me to pray it... I am guilty of dragging my feet.... “BUT THE WHOLE thing” (as my kids would say).  

Anyway this particular day I was saying the WHOLE thing....the Joyful mysteries, and may I add I was very joyfully saying it this particular time. 

After the first Joyful mystery - The Annuciation.

I kept reflecting on that moment when the Angel Gabriel was in front for our Blessed Mother with “THE NEWS”.  You know when “The Angel Gabriel” just dropped the biggest “bombshell” (as my kids would say).  Read Luke 1: 28 - 38

“behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord.  May it be done to me according to your word.”  She just gave the angel of the LORD the BIGGEST yes in the entire world...the entire eternity.  And it wasn’t just any ole yes.  You know the kinda yes I’m talking about.  We are all guilty of given it and I KNOW you’ve heard it.  The “yes” when your mouth is moving....but your heart is screaming (NOOOOO).

Or the kinda yes you say just because it’s the person standing of front of you who asked...so you HAVE to say yes.  I mean who wouldn’t say yes when the Angel Gabriel is speaking to you.  

No...our dear Mother Mary....made a statement before she gave her agreement.  She said.... “behold I AM the handmaid of the Lord.”   Now maybe she may have said it to just to conveince herself.  Like when you are trying to squeeze into those tight pants...you know, the ones we all have in our closet....and you say behold....I’m a size 4.  You know...trying to convience yourself and the jeans in your hands that you can do it!  Was she just saying it to convience herself?? 

I don’t think so. My heart...and the life led by our dear mother Mary reflects that she made this statement “behold I am the handmaid of the Lord” in order to surrender.  She said it, to open herself up to the will of the Lord. She said it to be obiedent. With this statement she put into words what she wanted her life to represent....I am the handmaid of the LORD!!!!  

The handmaid of the LORD....not His friend, not his Queen, not the Immaculate Mary raised above.....NO His handmaid, his servent.  We all know and honor her as the Queen of Heaven, and the Immaculate Mary.  But she did not proclaim herself this way....especially at this pivotal moment in her life. 

So after she CHOSE to be his handmaid, professed it with her mouth, and opened her heart.  She SAID “Yes”......sacred Scripture says she said “May it be done to me according to your will”.  Wow.....

I’ve always known our Mother Mary as beautiful, as faithful, as so full of love and grace.  But after reflecting on this verse recently.... I realized in a new way just how brave she really was.  How courageous she was.  Just a young girl, getting ready to be married.  Having made the plans for her future....probably her parents and Joseph’s parents, and their extended family.. Everyone knew their plans and were expecting them to carry them forward.  Just with the sheer knowledge that she would have to carry a child that was not conceived within her marriage....that alone would cause her pause...cause her anxiety and worry of unimaginable concern.

But not our MARY....she said still YES!  She said Yes to becoming the mother of our Savior, HER savior.....  remember the Chosen people had been waiting generations for their MESSIAH.  Now SHE was the one who would have to bring HIM into the world.  

I don’t know about you....but I sure would be thinking “I am going to screw this up”...I’m not sure how....but I just know it....why me??  why me??

Then to have to raise him?????  Ahhhhh

For those of you that are mothers in this room?  Please tell me that at some point in your mothering that you looked at your child and said “I am screwing this up”!  Please show me some sisterly love and tell me that you are with me on this. UGH.....the weight of being a mother sometimes....the responsibility of raising a child, excuse me....raising an adult....can be daunting...just down right overwhelming.  I will be the first to stand here and tell you ...I have had that thought on numerous occasions.  More with some children than the others (ha)  And when I’m not blaming there Daddy....I have to blame myself.  

I cannot image the weight our Mother Mary had on her shoulders in raising the Messiah of the world!!!  our Savior!  

I would like to think on some days -Maybe on days when she was really stressing...maybe young Jesus came over to her and said, “mother dear, why are you worried?  Remember my yoke is easy, and my burden light”.....

Anyway....back to the point..... Let your YES mean Yes.....

I really hope that this morning all of us can reflect on this idea in our lives right now.  Have you let your Yes mean Yes for our Lord?  

It would be sooooo easy if the Lord presented HIMself with a task or direction by sending one of His angels directly to you.  You know when you are faced with a difficult decision...He sends St Big Angel with a message directly to you?  Or picture this:

 Your busy with your day....and you get a text message..... that comes directly from Angel Gabriel....Dear ______  today you have been chosen to bring dinner to a family that has recently lost a loved one. You must have it there by 6:00, hot and with a nice desert.  PS - please don’t forget they are gluten free

You close your phone.... and know exactly what God is calling you to do that today.... Easy....right??? 

Well unless you are not sharing with everyone else.  The Lord doesn’t speak to us that way.  In fact He doesn’t speak the same way to everyone either.  It’s my thought that once you develop (as our protestant brothers and sisters say) a “personal relationship” with Jesus....You have just that... a personal relationship with Jesus.  It should be personal... You talking to Him, him talking to you...You seeking His way...Him providing the way..... 

Now don’t get me wrong.... I DO NOT have this figured out by any means.  But I do feel led to share this part of my faith journey  with you.  And of course listening and following God’s will is something I struggle with daily.  Some days I do wish the big beautiful Angel would stand before me with the guide book in hand for the rest of my life.  But on my fruitful days...I try just try to follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit.  

I do have to share with you.  That I have felt convicted that there have been times that my YES....was not really a YES for the Lord.  It has been a YES, for my pride.... a YES for my guilty conscience, a YES for my selfish ambitions....a YES for the potential of my own personal gain.  And I can tell you that with every YES that has not been routed in the Lord’s will.....was followed by some pretty brutal hardships and pain.  

Now do I mean that saying Yes ...with the full intention of following God’s will does not come with hardships and pain??? Nope not at all..... The YES we all say that is for our own ambitions....will eventually led to emptiness and despair. 

BUT saying YES with surrender, (I am the lord’s handmaid)....saying YES with openness, of not knowing the end game, saying YES with trust and hope that the HOLY Spirit will be with you every single step of the way.... that YES may come with hardships and pain, but it will also comes with fulfillment, and joy and abundant graces ...grace that will change you forever.  

Now you may be thinking to yourself....Gesh this here lady has come to just preach!  How come she is sayin all this.....  well like I said from the beginning.... I feel like I have to share what the Lord is teaching me right now.... and These has been my discovers over the last few years.  

In fact this year alone ---

I have learned in some MIGHTY big ways how saying YES to God’s calling...can lead to fulfillment and joy...but that joy and fullfillment sometimes only blossoms from the shell of pain and hardships. 

As I said earlier I have the JOY and privilege of being the mother to 6 amazing children.  Clare is 15, Jon is 13, Anna and Jerry are both 11, Thomas is 8, and our Ellie will be 7 two weeks from today!  Each of of my children have led beautiful lives already.  There is no doubt in my mind that God has big plans for all of them...and we get front row seats in witness how God is unfolding their stories. 

Our oldest daughter is Clare, She started her time in this world a little too early and had to spend weeks in the NICU, but  is now growing to be a strong compasionate and very wity young woman.  She has an artistic eye and has taught me, even at times challenged me, to look at God’s beauty in this world in an entire new way. 

Our son Jon has a smile that would melt any heart (in fact those girls at school are starting to worry me).  He’s so very amitious, and loves to figure out how things work.  He may break hearts one day...but I have a feeling that He will enjoy fixing them even more. 

Anna is next in line...my mom gave her the nickname “Sunshine” when she was born.  And she truly is a ray of sunshine in our lives.   All that meet her see the light of our Lord shining brightly within her. In fact she was born just a couple of months before huricaine Katrina.  During that time my family living in Metairie and Challmette came to live with us for the months following their losses of the storm.  And our baby girl, Anna was a bright Sunshine to everyone during that very difficult time.  

Thomas was our little surprise....but again....I know nothing is an accident with the Lord.  We just weren’t quite ready for him.  But God knew how much we have really needed him and how much this world will need him.  Thomas is a charmer.  He is funny and whitty....and makes friends everywhere he goes.  He has a huge personalty, but his heart and LOVE is even bigger. 

In the most recent years of our marriage we have welcomed two more of our children, Ellie and Jerry.  They both came to our family through the miracle of adoption.  Born to mothers in China, they were both abandoned as infants.  Even though they are 100% brother and sister now, they are not biological siblings.  In fact that are both from different parts of China. 

We brought Ellie home in Sept of 2012, right before her 3rd birthday.  She was truly a dream come true.  Her adoption story actually her life story is an entire talk in itself....But that will be for her to share with the world one day!  

Our Jerry has only been home with our family for 10 months!  He was the BEST christmas present ever!!  

Jerry is one of the HUGE ways God has been teaching me about my YES meaning YES this year. 

You see that first trip I took to China to bring Ellie home changed my heart forever.  Not only did we gain a daughter, but I gained an understanding. For years Steve and I talked and dreamed about adopting.  We felt that call to adopt on our hearts even before we were married.  We pictured our beautiful little Chinese princess surrounded by her siblings.  We loved her even before we knew who she was....

Our adoption dream was beautifully wrapped up neatly in a precious little Chinese girl.  But the realty of the “plight of the orphans” hit me brutally the day I stepped foot into her orphanage.  

There was no beautiful neat package found anywhere in an institution such as an orphanage....there is only sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness.  As I walked through every room of the run down orphanage building, my heart broken into tiny pieces.....one piece for every baby and child I saw hidden away in a crib.  Some cribs held 2-3 infants.  Rows and rows of babies...each without a family.  Each with a name randomly given by the orphanage staff.  Not a name lovingly selected by their parents.  The room that once was our daughter’s room was the saddest of all.  There were seven older children in this room.  I can remember each and every face.  Every child was trapped behind the metal bars of a crib.  I could tell that each of them had some physical or medical disability.  Two with down’s syndrome, one with hydrocephalus, one with no arms.  And each child had no toys, no pillow, no blanket to comfort them.  They only had the noise and coldness of this lonely orphanage room.  Our entire visit at the orphanage lasted maybe 40 min.  But it seemed like eternity.  Ellie and I held each other so tight.  In fact the further we would walk into the rooms, the closer we clung to each other.  When we walked into the room she had been just days before, she put a death grip around me.  I took that moment to tell her for the first time....that I would NEVER let her go.  That I would be her mother forever and that she would NEVER have to go back to that crib. 

Our YES...to Ellie was fruit filled....joyful....abounding.   She bonded easily with us.  And there has never been a doubt in her mind or mine that WE were not meant to be together.

I came home from China with Ellie in my arms....and the orphans left behind in my heart.  I could not stop thinking about them.  I would tell everyone about adoption.  I advocated, shared, and yes even pushed adoption on everyone who would listen.  I saw the need in a HUGE way....and wanted to scream to the world for help.  But as I learned over the following years....that I was pushing MY will, not our Father’s.  I was trying to get others to say YES>>>>>  but not for the right reason, not out of surrender and trust, not out of God’s will.  It was a struggle and one that has never left my heart. 

Then about a year and half ago I saw a face that called to me.  Over the years I have seen hundreds of photos of “waiting children”.  I have prayed for them, advocated for them, loved them from a distance in their pictures.  But one day when I saw the face of a little boy from China my heart was sunk.  

AT first I kept praying for him.  Then his face would come back to my mind over and over again.  I found myself digging a little deeper, trying to find out more info.  I discovered that he was 10 years old and was born Spina Bifida just as Ellie.  

The more I prayed...the more I could hear the Lord speaking to me.  NOT Angel Gabriel kinda speaking to me....but promptings stirring my heart.  In my mind I kept seeing his face and then would picture the world He would grow up in.....  I would remember China...knowing that nowhere is China is anything handicap accessible. In fact the weeks I spent in China, walking the streets I saw thousands of people.  BUT never not one person in a wheelchair.  Sadly In China a child with a physical disability (such requiring the use of a wheelchair) cannot go to school.  If by some grace he would receive an education, his working opportunities would be very limited. I also knew that in China once an orphaned child reaches the age of 14 they “age out”. Which means they are no longer eligible for adoption.  What does this mean for the children at that point?  Well if they are in a good orphanage, one with funding, they may learn a vocational skill, or even stay on and work as a nanny.  But sadly many times these children, are turned away, left to their own. and many end up on the streets.  

Every time I thought of this boy....I kept picturing his future.  I felt so pulled to him.... So I finally to talk to my husband, Steve. 

Now MY husband is amazing.  He truly is.... He LOVES me and our family dearly.  However since bringing Ellie home...he would always say “we are done”.  Every time the kids or I would bring up adoption..he would say ,”nope we are Done’.  Any time somebody else asked if we were having any more (which by the way gets asked of us often)...he would very quickly say “nope we are done.”  

I knew he felt this way...but felt so strongly about this boy, I had to at least discuss the possibility with Steve. 

So I kid you not....the very first moment I showed him his picture  Steve was looking up info on getting a pool installed. Ha!  He said how can I consider putting in a pool, when you are asking me to bring home another child. 

 I ain’t gonna lie...the month we “discussed/prayed” over this decision was one of the toughest in our marriage.   We both knew the “right thing to do”....We both knew the realty of what his future would be like in China. But we also BOTH wanted to follow the will of our Lord.  So we prayed ALOT....we searched our for answers ALOT....

Every time we would come up with a reason to say NO....God would give us a reason to say yes

Question/doubt: “how are we going to handle two kids in wheelchairs”....

Answer:  We had  just bought a 12 passenger van 6 months prior, that could handle two wheelchairs and 6 kids.

Question/doubt:  where are we going to fit another kid?  we just happen to buy a house with an extra room that we were currently using as a play room

Question/doubt:  He has Spina Bifida

Answer:  “well duh.....you already know SB, you even have all the right specialists already lined up!

Question/doubt:  Where are we going to find the money to cover another international adoption. (which by the way is about $30-35000)

Answer:  We found out that this young boy had been waiting for soooo long.  And had several people that had met him through the years.  He won over hearts of every volunteer  he encounter.  In fact a group of these people had started a grant while they were advocating.  While they were praying he would find a family, they had raised almost $10,000 already to go towards his adoption!!!

Our questions and doubts didn’t hold a candle to the greatest of this one fact simple answer....He was our son. 

I am not gonna lie or sugar coat it .... saying YES to go forward with Jerry’s adoption was not an easy one.  

And we have learned since then that it wasn’t just Saying YES once.  His adoption has been 19 months of saying YES over and over again.  

Let your Yes, mean Yes.   

It only took 9 months to complete Jerry’s adoption.  However just as in Ellie’s adoption, the waiting part of the adoption was very hard.  We loved a child, and knew they were ours....yet they were still on the other side of the world.  We had no idea of when it would be complete, or when he would come home.  

I would like to share with you a Bible verse that would popped up over and over again during the waiting portion of our adoptions....and NOW it truly lights the path in the parenting a child who has a traumatic past, who has suffered more losses in his 10 years, than I have in my almost 40  ....It comes from Proverbs chapter 3:5-6  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. 

I like this translation the best.  I like it because it has some very strong and clear words.  It says.... Trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart....ALL...not just a little, or just the part that you can handle trusting (and keep worrying and fretting over the rest)...NOPE ...it says ALL your heart.   

Then it says  “lean not on your own understanding.  In my Bible it says intelligence....but I think understanding fits me better.  

Because let me tell you there have been times in my life that MY understanding of MY plan was soooooo much better than God’s.  There have been times (this past year included) that I would get a glimpse of a HIS plan... and then just ran with it.  In stead of waiting on the Lord... instead of following His lead... in stead of Leaning on HIS understanding....and Not on my own.   

Then finally it says “in ALL your ways  (there again with that ALL) word!!!  in all your ways SUBMIT to him.....Ahhhhhh.....this is the hard part!  SUBMIT....now in my translation it says “be mindful of him”.  Well I can certainly tell you that if your MIND IS FULL of God....you will defiantly be submitting!!  

And it tells us that if we submit in ALL our ways, that He will make our paths straight. 

I don’t know about  you .....but I sure do want that straight path.

That straight beautiful path right up to HEAVEN.  But what sometimes happens is...

 we let OUR yes, mean maybe, or 

well, what I really meant was this way, or 

OUR yes means just for a little bit...but not ALL....

and then what happens.... our path goes haywire....it does this way and that way.... and up here...and over there.....and a trip through Starbucks.....

but it defiantly does NOT go straight....and led us to Heaven! 

What if....what if we let our EVERY YES.....mean yes.

What I mean is.... what if every time God called you....every time  He stirred your spirit....

every time He put that little tug on your heart..... no matter how big or how small.....we listened.  

What if we did as our mother Mary did....and PROCLAIM the greatness of the Lord..... 

We SUBMIT....we wait....we trust....WE truly and sincerely let our YES mean Yes.

What if we did this every time....where would I paths be?  Would they be straight?  Would our focus, our line of direction be pointed in the straight shot to Heaven?  I can tell you that our Mother Mary is patiently waiting for us every day to follow and love her Son.  I can tell you that she has come through for me on numerous occasions when I needed her. 

Mother Mary is such a role model for us as women, as wives, as mothers, as grandmothers,friends, as disciples. 

All throughout the Gospels we see that HER yes, just wasn’t a one time deal.  It was a decision she had to make over and over again.  She had not only to say Yes that very first day that Angel Gabriel came to her.... but all through her life.

I cannot imagine having to walk in her shoes during the day of her son’s cruifixation and death.  Yet she was still there.  She was still right there by HIS side...saying YES to being His mother...even to the moment He took His last breathe.  

She has inspired me in this role as a mother....Especially with the honest truth of having to say YES to loving and caring for your children in through the difficult moments and despite their difficult moments isnt easy....  Just as in our marriages sometimes ....often times.....we have to CHOSE to love.  

We have learned that adoption of an older child is very hard.  We have chosen our adopted children.  That is something I cherish to tell them.  That out of all of the children in all of the world YOU were chosen!  

The flip side to that...is when I have to tell myself that I have chosen to love this child.  The child who is slamming his door, and angry about everything.  When there are times that there is nothing I can do or say to make the pain go away...and when he totally closes himself off from us.... I have to choose to love him through the pain...and through the rejection I feel as a mother. 

We have said YES....a very much prayed over YES!!!  But it has been one of the hardest most painful YESes we have ever proclaimed.  

Because even though we can see as adults that we have chosen him, provided him with a family, with a school, with medical care, with opportunities......  There are many days... many moments that his 11 year old heart sees only the loss.  The loss of his home country, the loss of the people, smells, and food that HE finds comfort in....the loss of his language.  

We said YES....but he didn’t.  Jerry didn’t have a choice.  And as an adoptive parent this is one of those times that we have to trust with ALL of our heart ....we have to submit with ALL of our will.  And know that God is healing the broken precious heart of our son. 

Staying on this straight path God  has laid before is ain’t always sunshine and rainbows neither!!!  When you are trusting and staying on that straight path...sometimes that path is very lonely.

This is another HUGE lesson the Lord has taught me this year.  

I will disclose something to you.... this has been one the loneliest years of my entire life. 

Yes...gasp away... how can living in a house of 9 people (yes...we have one extra right now..wink)  be LONELY??  

I told you at the beginning of my talk that God was trying to teach me things is really big ways this year.  

Well since Jerry has come home...I have had to give up many of my out of the house activities and groups.  He does much better with routine, and I am a big part of that routine.  I used to volunteer here at Fatima, teach CCD, be on the retreat team....but I could no longer be involved.  I worked as a LABOR and delivery nurse at Memorial up to this past summer.  I would work 3-4 shifts a month, to keep up my skills.. And because I LOVE being a nurse.  But the 12 hours I was away played havoc on Jerry’s emotions.  Which then affected everyone in the household.  It was truly better for him that I maintain a routine within our family.  He needs the time to heal.  Quitting the volunteering and my work meant I was truly home 100% of the time.  

My social life always dissappeared. Since coming home with our son in December we received very limited visitors or calls.  And the realty is who wants to invite over a family of 8 (two wheelchairs included) over to their house?  There were many times I thought the only time people would check in with me was on Facebook.  It has been hard.

Even though the first 7 months of this year were very hard....I grew spiritually....so much.  I learned in an entire new way to TRUST with ALL my heart.  I really had no other option.  I found my self clinging to my Mother Mary for help.  I would pray the rosary in tears...just asking her for guidance, for help....for love.

Being a military family we have moved to 5 different states over the last 14 years. So being lonely and having limited support is something we have grown accosutemtned too.  We have learned to depend on each other within our marriage.  Family support is very limited for us as well, so usually it’s just the two of us.  

Well when you have a newly adopted child who is grieving, and your trying to get medically stable....your marriage can be rocked. And boy have we been rocked.  

Yet I don’t want to show just the pain.  I want to share the graces....

I’m standing her telling you....that when your YES means YES....and you submit, trust, proclaim God’s greatness....HIS MERCY abounds!!!!!  His mercy abounds.    We see His mercy daily in our family.

DAILY ---  On days when I’m pulling my hair out trying to get 6 kids up and ready for school.... 

to days when we are driving to yet another medical appointment for the 4th time this week

to days when I’m sitting in the middle of the kitchen holding and rocking my weeping child as his mourns his many losses

Then there are the days when our joy is overflowing as our table for 8 seats 9 happily laughing faces....

to the days when I watch my beautiful children chasing each other around our driveway on scooters and skateboards propelled by feet and arms.

to the days when I witness my precious older children carry their younger brother and sister up to the Communion line.

I’m telling you there are so many hard painful moments....but so many  more moments full of grace and mercy. 

Rmember I said I don’t think anything happens as an accident for our Lord?  Well let me prove that point.  When I went to China to bring the children home, there is an appointment that the entire 3 week trip is based around. It is your child’s consulate appointment.  This is the moment when the adoptive parents have to promise to the US embassy in China to raise their child as a good American citizen.  Well Jerry’s Consulate Appointment date was on Dec 8, 2016....the very first day of this jubilee year of mercy!!  

Pope Francis may have declared a year of mercy for our Catholic church...well God declare a year of mercy for our family starting last december!  

God has shown us His mercy this year by teaching us to be mercifully.  teaching us to be merciful - 

especially with our children and each other!

Before I close I want to share one more way that I have learned of the fruits that come with your YES meaning YES.

This summer my precious 93 year old Grandma Audrey came to live with us.  Up to this point, she had been living on her own in Metairie.  We would get to visit with her every few months.  But I missed her terribly.  She and I have always been very close.  In fact she lived with us when I was growing up.  We even shared a room for many years.  My Grandma Audrey was one of my biggest role models and a beautiful faith filled servant of our Lord.  In July she found hersefl in the hospital in Metairie.   The Drs. had decided that she was too unstable and frail to live on her own. So thankfully she agreed to come back to live with us here in MS.  I could not fathom the idea of her being anywhere else than with me. 

We moved Clare our oldest daughter upstairs to the playroom to join her brother Jon, and our Goddaughter Darin.  And moved Grandma Audrey in Clare’s room.   We loved every minute of having her with us.  Not sure if she loved every minute of our noise and chaos.  But from the smile on her face.... I could tell she was happy and at peace.  

I was so happy to finally be able to take care of her and repay her for the many years she cared and loved me as a child. 

Mid August Grandma started to get confused, and became very ill.  She was admitted to the hospital here.  Three days later, Fr Ryan was giving her last rights and we were bringing her home on Hospice care.   

Those several days sitting at my Grandma’s bedside were so beautiful.  They were beautiful. I have really no other way to describe it.  As a nurse I have witness countless deaths. I have cared for elderly as well as newborns as they took their last breathe.  But I had never been there caring for one of my own family members before.   Here was a woman who as I a child, I would run to in the middle of the night during a bad storm.  She had cooked me countless meals.  We shared so many wonderful memories....And taught me the gift of the Rosary.  And now I was holding her precious, fragile hand as she took the last steps of this journey on Earth.  Her final days were blessed.  Ones I could not have planned better myself.  The night before she passed away she was awake and with it enough to say our evening prayers together.  She was able to tell each of my children good night and that she loved them.  My brother was also there at her side, covering her with love and devotion.  The next day I knew the end was near.  My mom is in a nursing home in Wisconsin. But within the hour of my Grandma’s death, her daughter, was able to tell her good-bye.  She told her over the phone how much she loved her and she meant to her.  Then at 1:30 in the afternoon while my children were still in school, my Grandma took her last breath.  I had just finished praying the rosary.  And I had her rosary wrapped in her hand.  We were listening to music. And at her final moment “How great thou art was playing”.  I’m telling you..... I could feel that she was able to sing...no she was able to proclaim that in an entire new way “HOW GREAT thou art”.    In all the moving we have done with the military, one of my constant prayers was that my grandmother would not die alone, that she would have a peaceful death.  To God be the Glory.....not only did she pass into the next world so peacefully and beautifully, but i was able to hold her hand while she took that last step.  

If anyone on this EARTH has taught me about letting your YES mean YES... it was my Grandma Audrey.  

Saying Yes...to her coming to live with me was an easy one... one we made without reservation.  When I called Steve on the phone from the hospital in Metairie about her condition.  He said, “just bring her home, we will figure out the rest”.  

Saying YES to the Lord for my Grandma was easy...but saying Good-bye was hard.  

But once again......the LORD is teaching me...again with this situation....submitted and trusting ALL.... will lead your path straight.   

It’s not an easy or carefree road....but it’s a beautiful road abounding in grace and mercy.

 As I conclude....I would like to share a prayer written by Thomas Merton:

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.  I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean I am actually doing so.  But I believe that the desire to please  you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that disire.  And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.  Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.  I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

Please remember that the last thing the Angel Gabriel told Mother Mary was “for nothing will be impossible for God”.  

With this in our minds and etched in our hearts....let us go forward from today....with the desire as our Blessed Mother Mary to let our “YES mean yes”.

Thank you so much for your time and attention today.  

May God bless each of you.