His sacrifice

Eight more nights....

that's how many more nights I get to sleep next to my husband for the next year.

In one week he will be leaving for a year long remote assignment with the military.

We've known about it for a few months now, but the closer I get the more my awareness increases.

My awareness of him.

Over the last few days I have found myself lingering longer in his embrace, staring deeper into his eyes, and laughing easier at his not always funny jokes.  I've tried to capture every moment he plays with one of the children deeper into my memory.  I breathe him in with every chance I get.

It's only a year, one year.  We have been together 19 years....it's just one.

Yet it's one entire year...one entire year he has chosen to sacrifice....
                 to give up
        ....for us, his family,
              and for his country.

Sure it may sound cliche, but the magnitude and the depth of his sacrifice is real.  And I'm afraid we will take it for granted.

This weekend....I also don't want to forget the countless service men and women that have given the ultimate sacrifice for our country....the sacrifice of their lives.

This Memorial day weekend in particular I cannot help but imagine the families that were counting down their days before having to say good-bye.  Like we are this week...fitting in last minute memories, packing, preparing.
Then when that final moment came, I imagine that they held on as tight as they could to that last embrace before letting them go.  They watched their loved ones walk away with hope for the joy of the return embrace....
                     yet eventually they were only left with empty arms and broken hearts.

We remember and we honor all of those brave men and women that gave their lives for us. We want to thank them for their sacrifice.
And we pray for their families.

 I am praying that we will continue to cherish each moment deeper, linger longer in every embrace, stare deeper into each others eyes, and laugh a little easier...
                                      
                                                        long after he returns home to us. 

We will not walk in fear, but with hope and joy, and a promise of God's faithful care.

Anyone watching?

I remember as a child cooking in the kitchen for my "audience".  I would explain to the viewers which ingredients to use and how to put together the most delicious chocolate chip cookie cake (since that was the only thing I knew how to make, well besides PB&J).  In my 11 year old mind, I was a famous star of a popular cooking show.  And to me we had the perfect setting in our little kitchen for a cooking show, complete with a little window that faced the living room, where I would display my finished product.

This memory came flooding back to me this morning.  I was smack dab in the middle of busy morning routine, and this memory of my "cooking show" came to my mind.

There I was packing one more lunch and the thought came to me....."I wish I was on TV right now", and my "cooking show" memory came back to me.  Nowadays we not only have cooking shows, but reality shows and even YouTube shows. What if I were on one of those right now? One where everyone would get to see what I do every day.   You may be asking why I would want to be on TV?  Well I really don't.....honestly!
But this memory and thought started an avalanche of self-pity, suffocating thoughts bombarding my heart.....

"nobody sees you"  "of course you want to be on TV...nobody really knows what you do"
              "it doesn't really matter what you do every day anyway...because it's really nothing"
                             "what exactly DO you do every day....where is your PROOF?  your RESULTS?"
         "this is your life....and your just stuck....and it doesn't matter... nobody really understands"

I still had so much to do to get the kids ready...I couldn't stop.

So I moved along and tried to pray, at least talk to God.  I needed to try to make sense of these feelings, this pain.

Many times I don't have time to be quiet and reflect.  So I'm learning to pray in my business...to just keep a continual flow of conversations with our Lord throughout my day.

I turned over these hurt-filled...devastating thoughts to my GOD...I talked to Him about it.

Why Father God am I feeling this way?  Why do I feel that nobody sees me, or that the work I do every day is unnoticed and not productive?
When I was working as I nurse, I could see the results of my work with my patients.... I could see the results in my pay check.
When I was woking with the youth at church, I could see the results of my work with the youth, feel their hugs, hear praise from their parents.

Now it's the same thing every single day... and when Steve asks at the end of the day, "What did you do today?"   All I say...is the "same ole same ole"....cleaning, dishes, gym, groceries, homework, cooking

I've been walking in the desert of loneliness for a while now.

It is Lent....and instead of "giving up" some food item..... I've been "giving up" trying to be somewhere and someone I'm not.  I'm learning to embrace this "desert" I've been in for so long now. This Lenten season, I'm realizing in ways I've never learned before that my Lord Jesus has been with me every step I've taken along this desert path.  This is the place in my life when I'm so dry, so hungry...that the ONLY one who can fill my need is Jesus.  And WOW....what a beautiful place to be...ONLY JESUS.

And THIS....this is the revelation that washed away the hurtful thoughts bombarding my heart this morning......

                                                                     "God sees me"
  
He is with me every step of every single day....and He knows what I do, the good and the bad.  He knows my struggles, and my accomplishments (no matter how small).

I felt convicted over the times I spent too much time on social media, longing for approval, for "likes"....searching for recognition from others.
This is why the "TV show" idea came back to me....I have a human need...a longing for approval...for other's to understand my struggles.  We all have that need.  Yet GOD can fill that need 100 times more than any person here on Earth.  If we allow Him to fill us with His grace and become more aware of His presence in our life....HE can give us that LOVE and approval we are constantly searching for.

I am realizing that all of the times I spend in self-pity...or fighting with the thought that "nobody understands"....I'm wasting...wasting time, wasting energy, wasting opportunity.
If I would allow our God to fill my heart, to accept HIS approval only...then I would be FREE....and available to serve others, my heart would be filled, my focus no longer on my emptiness....but on others..... so that I can see their pain...and help them in any way the Holy Spirit directs me.

I prayed for humility, I prayed for grace to help me find peace and contentment.  I am still praying that my heart will be filled with HIM alone.

Jesus has been the ONE walking with me in the desert...and HE is the one who will lead me to the green pastures.  And HE is the one who really sees me.

Peace came over my heart.... no one else in this world may ever know what happens in my daily life, but GOD knows every single detail.

I pray that today everyone who reads this will find comfort in this truth....
                                                 
                                                YOUR FATHER IN HEAVEN SEES YOU

Whatever you are going through today....He sees you..and He is walking it with you.
If you are in the mundane routine of life,
if you are in the struggle of a hurting marriage,
if you are in the pain of caring for a sick loved one, or with illness yourself,
if you are in anxiousness of a pending decision,
if you are in the stress of life......
God sees your pain, your struggle, your anxiety......and He also sees your accomplishments, your achievements, and your joy!

Dear Heavenly Father I pray as we continue throughout Lent help us to be filled with Your love. Please give us the grace to be satisfied, having our hearts filled up with LOVE and acceptance from You, our Father...that we don't feel the need to find that LOVE and acceptance from others.  That we will be filled to the brim with Your love and grace that we are willing to share and give that love away throughout our lives.  Send Your Holy Spirit to guide us in ways throughout the day to help share your love to everyone we encounter.  Amen

To dust you shall return

It was Ash Wednesday a couple of days ago. Our family attended Mass to begin our Lenten journey and to receive ashes. Each of us walked up (or rolled up) to the alter to receive ashes placed on our foreheads in the sign of a cross.  After receiving ashes there was quite a bit of a commotion along our pew. The kids began comparing the sizes of their crosses, some immediately began wiping them off. Others were fussing because ashes had fallen into their eyes.  Once I finally got our shangiangains under control. I was able to reflect.

The priest said "reminder you are dust and to dust you shall return".  As I bowed my head to pray and reflect on this phrase some of my ashes fell from my forehead onto my hands. I just sat their looking at the ashes, the black dust scattered in my hand.  Suddenly my heart and my eyes welled with sadness. A memory came flooding back to me. A memory from just 6 months ago. I remembered the very moment the funeral director handed me the urn that held the ashes of my beloved grandmother, Audrey. These same hands of mine that now held the ashes of Ash Wednesday once held her ashes!
The pain of that day came flooding back to my heart. I had to go to the funeral home to pick up my grandma's remains when they were ready.  We were going to hold her funeral a few days later in a different state, her home. I didn't realize the gravity of this task until it actually came to pass.  After carefully carrying the urn holding my grandma's ashes out of the funeral home, I placed my grandmas urn in the front seat of my van.  Then I just sat in the parking lot...... frozen.
I couldn't stop staring at that box. The box that my brother so lovingly crafted out of wood himself.  Yet inside that beautiful box, held the body of a woman I admired so very much.  I was lost.
       I honestly had no idea what to do. I kept thinking of us (my grandma's ashes and I) just sitting here in the parking lot. It didn't seem like enough for her. I wanted more time with her.

        You may think I'm crazy after reading this.....but I took Grandma to the beach!  Yep.....I didn't want to go home yet.  The thought of just putting her on a shelf somewhere until her funeral had me overwhelmed. I wanted more time.
So I sat on the beachfront holding the beautiful box that contained the most beautiful woman I know....knew.
It was an absolutely gorgeous day, the sun shining, the breeze blowing, keeping it a perfect temperature....a day she would have LOVED! I was sitting there looking at the vastness and serenity of the Gulf of Mexico, trying to take in every moment.  Prior to this one I had spent countless moments with my Grandma.  She lived with me most of my childhood, we even shared a room for part of it.  So we spent so many wonderful moments together.....but sitting there holding her ashes, I realized in a very painful way......those moments were gone.  They were just memories now.

Back to Ash Wednesday.....as I sat in church staring at the ashes in my hands...the ashes that fell from my cross..... the words of the priest resonated in a very loud way  -
   
                     REMEMBER YOU ARE DUST AND TO DUST YOU SHALL RETURN

I may not get to spend any more time with my grandma in this life, this Earthly life.
But one day, my body will be but mere dust as well.  But because of the LOVE and sacrifice of our Savior Jesus Christ....our souls will be reunited, we will be together again.
As I continued to stare at those ashes....the sadness that washed over me thinking of my Grandma's ashes was then washed away with the HOPE and JOY that comes with the promise of our Lord.

           After the pain of the cross washes away
                                      the JOY of the resurrection is ALIVE and remains forever!!

 Remember you are dust....and to dust you shall return.  Are you ready? Are you ready if today is the day you return to ash?  Cherish the moments you are spending with those around you.  And if you want to know more about the HOPE and promise of our Savior Jesus Christ....I would love to share it with you.

Dear Lord, help us during this LENTEN season to remember that we are dust, that this life is so short, but that time with YOU is forever.  Help us to love like YOU and to cherish those that you have put in our lives each and every moment.  

Amen.

Shattered pieces

Well I already failed.

Yep...I set this new blog up with full intentions to use it as a spiritual tool, an aide to help me during one of my darkest times.  And I failed.

It's been what....3 or 4 months since I started this?

To be honest, it's been so hard....that I'm afraid to write.

I've been afraid to put words to the struggle.  Then I would have to face it, to really deal with it.  If I lay out the pain, and the broken pieces of my life, then I have to see just how shattered I am right now.  Let's be real.... it's so much easier to just keep pushing, just keep ignoring, just keep shoving the dark stuff way down deep.  That way you can just move on....just get back to the good....to the happy.

NO more.  It's time to start.  I need to be stronger.  I need to be more grounded, more peaceful.
Really....I'm just weak and afraid.  But right now I'm MORE afraid of who I will become if I don't take a closer look at my broken pieces.

One of the boys had a blue ceramic lizard that his grandparents had given him.  We kept the lizard on top of their bathroom counter as a decoration.  Well to a curious, playful boy any lizard (real or ceramic) can't just be decoration, it must go on adventures.  The blue lizard did have quite a few adventures, until his tail broke. No fear...super glue came to our rescue. We fixed the blue lizard's tail up in a flash (well a few hours).  Back to the bathroom counter our little blue friend returned.  However several more adventures later in the hands of one frolicsome little boy, we found another piece falling off of the lizard.  This time it took a little more glue to fix our fragile reptile.  Several weeks went by and the glued-together lizard started collecting dust on top of the counter.  Sure he would get the occasional spray of toothpaste, but he kept his vigil next to the hand soap.
Thinking back I cannot recall the exact details of the fateful day.  But the day came when the blue lizard faced tragedy.  It was a moment filled with a crash and several broken blue ceramic pieces scattered all over the floor.  Little hands tried as hard as they could to help pick up all of the pieces.  We gathered what was left of our lizard friend's body carefully onto a plate.  Big brown eyes looked at me with hope and promise....if we fixed him the first two times, surely we can fix him again.
One super glue bottle and several sticky fingers later, the situation looked grim.  I had to relay the bad news, it didn't look like we could fix the lizard this time.  However the news didn't rob by son of his hope.  That lizard's best friend was willing to wait for him.  Days....then weeks went by.  Yet the broken lizard stayed broken, sitting in the middle of his shattered pieces.  Just sitting on the kitchen counter reminding me every single time I passed him that I hadn't tried again.

This is how I feel right now.  Broken, in the middle of my shattered pieces.

In times past, with God's grace, I have successfully glued myself back together.  You know what I mean, don't you?
That there are times in our lives that we get hit, or we fall.  And then a piece of ourselves gets broken.
Sometimes it's just a little piece, sometimes it's a little bigger.  Those times have come in my life, yet it always seems to get fixed, so I can move on.

But this time it's been different.
I have felt shattered....not just broken.

And for the last few months...I've been sitting in the middle of my pieces, feeling overwhelmed, feeling tired, and not knowing where to begin.

This may come as a shock to many of you that know me.  You may be thinking "but she seems to have it all together".   I've been realizing that I've just been gluing the pieces back together quickly so it looks good on the outside.  Through the last several years I've been doing "quick fixes" to make it look good and put together, but in realty the inside is barely hanging on, and so fragile.   And maybe that's the problem maybe now I'm realizing that that fragile inside, is what has finally given up.

So what's changed?  Nothing really.
I am just now slowly learning that I can't fix it this time.  And that there is no body else in this world that can fix it either.  I have to stop expecting other people in my life to pick up my shattered pieces.
I'm also accepting that my broken life cannot be put back together quickly.

There is only ONE way to be fixed.

God is so good.  HE is always good and faithful.
And right now I'm learning to allow HIM to fix me....in His time, in His way.  I'm learning to BE in my brokenness... to understand that each shattered piece is still a part of me....
that I don't have to be "put together" to be whole.
Despite our brokenness Our Father sees our perfection....and it's because of our brokenness that HE can make us perfect.

Today my prayer is that you will allow our Lord, our Healer to mend your brokenness....that you take some time to see and to feel your shattered pieces of your past, your life....then lay them before the cross. Offer your brokenness to our Savior.  Then allow Him to heal you, let Him LOVE you....every single shattered piece of you.  He is waiting with HOPE and expectation of the adventures you will have together.