Anyone watching?

I remember as a child cooking in the kitchen for my "audience".  I would explain to the viewers which ingredients to use and how to put together the most delicious chocolate chip cookie cake (since that was the only thing I knew how to make, well besides PB&J).  In my 11 year old mind, I was a famous star of a popular cooking show.  And to me we had the perfect setting in our little kitchen for a cooking show, complete with a little window that faced the living room, where I would display my finished product.

This memory came flooding back to me this morning.  I was smack dab in the middle of busy morning routine, and this memory of my "cooking show" came to my mind.

There I was packing one more lunch and the thought came to me....."I wish I was on TV right now", and my "cooking show" memory came back to me.  Nowadays we not only have cooking shows, but reality shows and even YouTube shows. What if I were on one of those right now? One where everyone would get to see what I do every day.   You may be asking why I would want to be on TV?  Well I really don't.....honestly!
But this memory and thought started an avalanche of self-pity, suffocating thoughts bombarding my heart.....

"nobody sees you"  "of course you want to be on TV...nobody really knows what you do"
              "it doesn't really matter what you do every day anyway...because it's really nothing"
                             "what exactly DO you do every day....where is your PROOF?  your RESULTS?"
         "this is your life....and your just stuck....and it doesn't matter... nobody really understands"

I still had so much to do to get the kids ready...I couldn't stop.

So I moved along and tried to pray, at least talk to God.  I needed to try to make sense of these feelings, this pain.

Many times I don't have time to be quiet and reflect.  So I'm learning to pray in my business...to just keep a continual flow of conversations with our Lord throughout my day.

I turned over these hurt-filled...devastating thoughts to my GOD...I talked to Him about it.

Why Father God am I feeling this way?  Why do I feel that nobody sees me, or that the work I do every day is unnoticed and not productive?
When I was working as I nurse, I could see the results of my work with my patients.... I could see the results in my pay check.
When I was woking with the youth at church, I could see the results of my work with the youth, feel their hugs, hear praise from their parents.

Now it's the same thing every single day... and when Steve asks at the end of the day, "What did you do today?"   All I say...is the "same ole same ole"....cleaning, dishes, gym, groceries, homework, cooking

I've been walking in the desert of loneliness for a while now.

It is Lent....and instead of "giving up" some food item..... I've been "giving up" trying to be somewhere and someone I'm not.  I'm learning to embrace this "desert" I've been in for so long now. This Lenten season, I'm realizing in ways I've never learned before that my Lord Jesus has been with me every step I've taken along this desert path.  This is the place in my life when I'm so dry, so hungry...that the ONLY one who can fill my need is Jesus.  And WOW....what a beautiful place to be...ONLY JESUS.

And THIS....this is the revelation that washed away the hurtful thoughts bombarding my heart this morning......

                                                                     "God sees me"
  
He is with me every step of every single day....and He knows what I do, the good and the bad.  He knows my struggles, and my accomplishments (no matter how small).

I felt convicted over the times I spent too much time on social media, longing for approval, for "likes"....searching for recognition from others.
This is why the "TV show" idea came back to me....I have a human need...a longing for approval...for other's to understand my struggles.  We all have that need.  Yet GOD can fill that need 100 times more than any person here on Earth.  If we allow Him to fill us with His grace and become more aware of His presence in our life....HE can give us that LOVE and approval we are constantly searching for.

I am realizing that all of the times I spend in self-pity...or fighting with the thought that "nobody understands"....I'm wasting...wasting time, wasting energy, wasting opportunity.
If I would allow our God to fill my heart, to accept HIS approval only...then I would be FREE....and available to serve others, my heart would be filled, my focus no longer on my emptiness....but on others..... so that I can see their pain...and help them in any way the Holy Spirit directs me.

I prayed for humility, I prayed for grace to help me find peace and contentment.  I am still praying that my heart will be filled with HIM alone.

Jesus has been the ONE walking with me in the desert...and HE is the one who will lead me to the green pastures.  And HE is the one who really sees me.

Peace came over my heart.... no one else in this world may ever know what happens in my daily life, but GOD knows every single detail.

I pray that today everyone who reads this will find comfort in this truth....
                                                 
                                                YOUR FATHER IN HEAVEN SEES YOU

Whatever you are going through today....He sees you..and He is walking it with you.
If you are in the mundane routine of life,
if you are in the struggle of a hurting marriage,
if you are in the pain of caring for a sick loved one, or with illness yourself,
if you are in anxiousness of a pending decision,
if you are in the stress of life......
God sees your pain, your struggle, your anxiety......and He also sees your accomplishments, your achievements, and your joy!

Dear Heavenly Father I pray as we continue throughout Lent help us to be filled with Your love. Please give us the grace to be satisfied, having our hearts filled up with LOVE and acceptance from You, our Father...that we don't feel the need to find that LOVE and acceptance from others.  That we will be filled to the brim with Your love and grace that we are willing to share and give that love away throughout our lives.  Send Your Holy Spirit to guide us in ways throughout the day to help share your love to everyone we encounter.  Amen

To dust you shall return

It was Ash Wednesday a couple of days ago. Our family attended Mass to begin our Lenten journey and to receive ashes. Each of us walked up (or rolled up) to the alter to receive ashes placed on our foreheads in the sign of a cross.  After receiving ashes there was quite a bit of a commotion along our pew. The kids began comparing the sizes of their crosses, some immediately began wiping them off. Others were fussing because ashes had fallen into their eyes.  Once I finally got our shangiangains under control. I was able to reflect.

The priest said "reminder you are dust and to dust you shall return".  As I bowed my head to pray and reflect on this phrase some of my ashes fell from my forehead onto my hands. I just sat their looking at the ashes, the black dust scattered in my hand.  Suddenly my heart and my eyes welled with sadness. A memory came flooding back to me. A memory from just 6 months ago. I remembered the very moment the funeral director handed me the urn that held the ashes of my beloved grandmother, Audrey. These same hands of mine that now held the ashes of Ash Wednesday once held her ashes!
The pain of that day came flooding back to my heart. I had to go to the funeral home to pick up my grandma's remains when they were ready.  We were going to hold her funeral a few days later in a different state, her home. I didn't realize the gravity of this task until it actually came to pass.  After carefully carrying the urn holding my grandma's ashes out of the funeral home, I placed my grandmas urn in the front seat of my van.  Then I just sat in the parking lot...... frozen.
I couldn't stop staring at that box. The box that my brother so lovingly crafted out of wood himself.  Yet inside that beautiful box, held the body of a woman I admired so very much.  I was lost.
       I honestly had no idea what to do. I kept thinking of us (my grandma's ashes and I) just sitting here in the parking lot. It didn't seem like enough for her. I wanted more time with her.

        You may think I'm crazy after reading this.....but I took Grandma to the beach!  Yep.....I didn't want to go home yet.  The thought of just putting her on a shelf somewhere until her funeral had me overwhelmed. I wanted more time.
So I sat on the beachfront holding the beautiful box that contained the most beautiful woman I know....knew.
It was an absolutely gorgeous day, the sun shining, the breeze blowing, keeping it a perfect temperature....a day she would have LOVED! I was sitting there looking at the vastness and serenity of the Gulf of Mexico, trying to take in every moment.  Prior to this one I had spent countless moments with my Grandma.  She lived with me most of my childhood, we even shared a room for part of it.  So we spent so many wonderful moments together.....but sitting there holding her ashes, I realized in a very painful way......those moments were gone.  They were just memories now.

Back to Ash Wednesday.....as I sat in church staring at the ashes in my hands...the ashes that fell from my cross..... the words of the priest resonated in a very loud way  -
   
                     REMEMBER YOU ARE DUST AND TO DUST YOU SHALL RETURN

I may not get to spend any more time with my grandma in this life, this Earthly life.
But one day, my body will be but mere dust as well.  But because of the LOVE and sacrifice of our Savior Jesus Christ....our souls will be reunited, we will be together again.
As I continued to stare at those ashes....the sadness that washed over me thinking of my Grandma's ashes was then washed away with the HOPE and JOY that comes with the promise of our Lord.

           After the pain of the cross washes away
                                      the JOY of the resurrection is ALIVE and remains forever!!

 Remember you are dust....and to dust you shall return.  Are you ready? Are you ready if today is the day you return to ash?  Cherish the moments you are spending with those around you.  And if you want to know more about the HOPE and promise of our Savior Jesus Christ....I would love to share it with you.

Dear Lord, help us during this LENTEN season to remember that we are dust, that this life is so short, but that time with YOU is forever.  Help us to love like YOU and to cherish those that you have put in our lives each and every moment.  

Amen.